Are you being Ghosted while Dating?

Patterns in Dating: Submarining vs. Ghosting 

Ghosting and submarining are both behavior patterns in dating where communication abruptly shifts, but they differ in key ways.

Ghosting

Ghosting is when someone suddenly goes completely silent without warning – no more texts, calls or activity on social media, leaving the other person without closure or understanding of why the relationship ended. This disappearance is often permanent and avoids confrontation.

Submarining

In contrast, submarining involves a person disappearing for a period and then reappearing, attempting to reestablish contact without addressing their previous absence. This behavior can confuse the other person and disrupt their process of moving on. 

In each of these behaviors, the absentee avoids communication directly and leaves the recipient in the dark, with no clarity about why the relationship is over.

Key Differences

• Disappearance vs. Reappearance: Ghosting involves disappearing and cutting off contact permanently, while submarining involves disappearing and reappearing later.
• Communication: Ghosting means zero communication after the cutoff, but submarining involves resuming communication after a certain period.
• Closure: Ghosting leaves the other person without explanation, while submarining creates confusion when the person returns without addressing their reason for absence. 

Why Do People Submarine in the First Place? 

Let's describe the psychology behind why folks (mostly men) submarine and 'always come back' after ending a relationship/situationship. Include anything you can about neurological triggers and attachment/styles where relevant! 

People submarine for a variety of reasons, due to a range of psychological factors. Many individuals, particularly men, fear commitment, especially when the relationship is moving too fast or starting to get serious. 

They may retreat when the relationship feels too intense, only to return when the pressure lessens. 

It's also possible they are not taking the relationship seriously, getting validation from another individual, and then returning to their previous partner when they need a boost in self-esteem.

Attachment styles also play a role in why people submarine. 

Those with an avoidant attachment may distance themselves to maintain independence or protect themselves from rejection or vulnerability, but later feel compelled to reconnect. while those with an anxious-avoidant attachment They may also push away and then reappear to manage their fears of abandonment. 

Neurologically, the emotional highs and lows of these relationships can stimulate the reward system, addicting an individual to the sense of merging that comes with reunion.

How to Respond to Submarining 

Set Clear Boundaries

"Hi [Name], thanks for reaching out. I need consistent communication to feel comfortable in a relationship. Sporadic contact isn't something I'm okay with. Let me know if you're willing to maintain regular, ongoing communication."

Evaluate Their Intentions

"Hi [Name], I'm wondering why you disappeared and what has prompted you to reach out now. Could you clarify your reasons for getting back in touch?"

Decide if you want to re-engage

"I've thought about it and I'm not sure if re-engaging is the right choice for me right now. I need to prioritize my well-being and will decide what's best for me." Could you let me know what has changed since we last spoke and why you're reaching out now?"

Set a trial period

"Hi [Name], I’m open to seeing how things go, but let’s slow things down to ensure that we’re both committed to making this work." 

Conclusion

No matter what type of relationship pattern you are experiencing, relationship dynamics can be tricky and the landscape of dating confusing. If you or someone you know would like support in your relationship or in approaching the dating world - please reach out. We have experts in relationships on our team that are available to support you.